Juggling Act On Aisle 5

I’m bad about dashing into the supermarket to pick up just a few needed items. I always seem to get off to a bad start by never taking a cart or a basket for that matter.

This probably dates eons ago to my bachelor days when I grabbed a cart with a wimpy wheel that wouldn’t go straight on an AA pledge. I nearly demolished the store by knocking over a mountain of apple sauce, hitting the Country Time Lemonade display head-on and almost sideswiped a senior citizen using a walker.

I always say to myself when entering and spying the carts, “Only gunna pickup a few items. Don’t need one.”

Have you ever tried to pick up “just a few items”? It’s always my vowed intention when entering the supermarket to pick up something like two cans of chili and a box of crackers. HA! The road to the checkout stand is paved with good intentions, believe me.

What I usually end up with (without the cart, of course) looks something like this: 6 cans of chili (on sale), crackers, 2 tubes of Hungry Jack Biscuits, 3 onions, 2 tomatoes, a package of cheese, plus a couple of rolls of Charmin.

So, here I come, all the way from the back of the store vegetable bin heading toward the cashier.

Please don’t ask me why I didn’t start at the vegetable bin. If I was smart enough to answer that, I’d be rolling a cart with a wiggly wheel instead of going into my juggling act up aisle five.

Here’s how it works. Don’t try this without a net: First the biscuits, one in each pocket; cheese crammed in pants near the navel; one box of crackers, under the right arm pit; tomatoes and onions join the crackers; two rolls of Charmin, under my left arm pit; and the six cans of chili are stacked like firewood from my wrist to my chest.

All set, I begin my advance toward checkout walking with all the poise and dignity of a Maine lobster with a double hernia and hemorrhoids.

Finally, I limp to the checkout counter and stand there, a member of the walking wounded, while a sweet little lady proceeds to drop her handbag thereby dumping an entire assortment of grannie goodies and change across the slowly moving conveyor belt.

I was all set to unload when I heard a quiet voice behind me say, “Excuse me. Do you mind if I go ahead? I only have two cans of chili and some crackers.”

“Be my guest,” I said with a very slight bow. “You don’t even have a cart, do you?”

“Noooo. Never use ‘em. I avoid the hassle by just picking up a few items at a time.”

Yes, I know about hassles as she slipped past me, and two tomatoes plop between my feet.

Next time, I’ll get a basket. I promise.

Trivia question of the day

(Try it without Google)

The answer will be in tomorrow’s blog.

Yesterday’s Question: What explorer introduced pigs to North America? Columbus

Today’s Trivia: What is MacGyver’s first name?