ON THE ROAD
The engine problem light came on in my brother’s truck during our trip to Colorado. I’d always been told, “When that light comes on, you stop.” Since we were heading down a steep grade, with a lot of traffic and a guard rail hugging my right door we opted to carefully get down the hill. I snatched open the glove compartment, found the owners manual and quickly thumbed to the page, actually a brief paragraph, on engine warning light. Unexpectedly, it was vague concerning cause and remedy.
It mentioned a few causes but more or less said when you get a chance you ought to get it checked. That took the immediate pressure off but we were still concerned. To make matters worse, the engine would intermittently go off and return a few days later. Clark decided to wait until we returned to Dallas so his favorite mechanic could look at it. While returning home the light remained blank, until we were about five hours from home, and blared from the dashboard. An hour later the transmission oil light flashed hot.
We pulled off onto a side road and a large Good Samaritan wearing a red Halliburton jump suit with fluorescent yellow stripes stopped and kindly offered his help. He quickly deduced a engine computer sensor error and said to wait a while to let the oil cool and drive about 50 mph back to Dallas. We trusted his judgement. He looked like he knew what he was talking about. You know, he wasn’t a dweeb.
We did and all was well.
BACK HOME
After arrival, I needed to run an errand so I climbed in my always reliable ‘97 Volvo and turned the key to start. The engine went ................ It didn’t even turn over. Dead as a doornail.
I’d never jumped a Volvo before, but how hard could it be?
WALMART
Luckily, my car was parked next to Tonda’s so I stretched the cables between us, hooked the positives to positives and negatives to negatives and opened my door to start my engine. Immediately all lights started flashing and the horn began blowing. I got out my owners manual and read the vague instructions that offered no remedy for the Swedish safety system. At 7 p.m., I disconnected the battery, lugged it out of the engine compartment and headed to WalMart.
Because it was still in warranty, Jim in the auto department put a small computer gizmo on it to check if it was dead or not. The gizmo was not responding to anything, so he said, as he headed, towing my battery, out the door toward the bay/garage area, “I need to put it on The Big Machine. Back in a minute.” Jim looked like an ex-insurance salesman.
“It’ll take a while to do its thing,” was all he said upon retuning and disappearing.
Forty-five minutes later, after I watched the initial shutting down of the garage, I asked the department manager, “How long does it generally take for the BIG MACHINE to decide if a battery is dead or not?” He casually and vaguely responded, “Sometimes quite a while.” The head mechanic standing next to him slowly and knowingly nodded. About that time the lights went out in the garage and Jim had never returned. So I waited.
At 9:05, the department manager unexplainably said, “I’ve called the night store manager” and returned to the now dark garage to again check The Big Machine. This time he returned with the battery proclaiming it truly dead. “Do you want a replacement?” I was thinking of several pithy replies, but I held my tongue and headed home, new battery in hand, at 9:15 p.m.
Battery installation went smoothly, no warning lights or sounds because I crawled through the driver’s window to start the car.
THE INSPECTION
Since it was time for a new inspection sticker and oil change, I headed to my Jiffy oil change place first thing the next morning. I told Steve the large, bearded mechanic to change the oil and “I need a new Inspection Sticker.”
I plopped in a plastic seat in the waiting room with some drivel of a realty show showing on the TV. About 20 minutes later, Steve returned saying “You’ve failed the inspection because your battery is too new.” Both guys to the side of me joined me in mild laughter as I said, “Too new!?” He explained that you must drive it at least 50 miles to “Seat the sensors.” There’s that word again. Steven even looked a bit like Halliburton guy.
I left and drove not 50 but 100 miles that day and returned. Steve said it was too hot to get a reading. I wasn’t sure if he meant the engine or the outside temperature (102º). In the Texas cool of early the next morning, I returned. Steve grinned, as I pulled in the driveway, saying, “We’ll get it this time.”
Shortly he returned frustratedly saying, “I’m still not getting a reading. I’m going to the computer to check if there is any information on new batteries and Inspections for Volvos.”
About 15 minutes later, he appeared from wherever the computer was and laughed, “You’re not going to believe this, but I have six pages of printouts from Volvo describing the steps you must take (for ‘97 Volvo 690) after installing a new battery.”
Below is a excerpt from the six pages.
1. Drive a normal urban driving cycle for six minutes. Accelerate gently where necessary keeping the throttle as steady as possible.
2. Safely stop (I guess wrecks will disallow the sequence) the vehicle and allow the engine to idle for 90 seconds.
3. Drive a normal driving cycle for six minutes. Accelerate gently where necessary keeping the throttle as steady as possible.
4. Safely stop the vehicle and allow the vehicle to idle for 2-3 minutes.
5. Accelerate normally to a road speed over 45 mph and keep the engine between 1800-2200 RPM. Drive for 5-6 minutes.
6. Safely stop the vehicle and allow the vehicle to idle for 2-3 minutes.
7. Accelerate normally to a road speed over 45 mph the engine between 1800-2200 RPM. Drive for 5 minutes.
8. Safely stop the vehicle and allow the vehicle to idle for 90 seconds.
9-11 (More of the same)
In conclusion, Volvo is a fine car but numbers 1-11 are insane.
This morning I idled for seven minutes, Egad!
I have an 8:30 appointment Wednesday with my local Volvo dealer to, hopefully, get my car inspected.
Where is Halliburton guy when you need him.
Trivia question of the day
(Try it without Google)
The answer will be in tomorrow’s blog.
Yesterday’s Question: What are anchor persons called in Sweden? Cronkites
Today’s Trivia: What 1976 chart-topping song did Barry Manilow sing, but did not write?
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